Mohawks and a blatant middle finger. Thank, Dog.
- Bri
- Dec 10, 2024
- 6 min read
My work life takes up ~9 hours a day, M-F. Although I work a 9-80 schedule (during a 2-week cycle I work: 9-hour days M-Th; 1st Friday is an 8-hour day; 2nd Friday is off), this schedule never results in me working fewer than 45-50 hours a week in the long run. What this means is that the vast majority of my expressive life happens in the confines of a technically-driven company. As a women in a technical field (there are two of us in a group of ~35) , I long ago learned to carefully curate my demeanor to avoid feminine traits. Being seen as anything other than serious/logical, professional/proper, and business-oriented does not serve me in my career. I'm not sure if these traits are inherently part of my make up, or if I've practiced them so often that I can no longer return to my true identity when I leave the confines of work. Needless to say, this situation is restricting. I also rarely feel 'known' or 'seen', which is an issue that triggers a great deal of my childhood "little t", trauma.
Yesterday Spotify reminded me that E died this year - as if I could forget. Apparently I started streaming Death Cab for Cutie's "I will follow you into the Dark" in mid-January and listened to it 106-times in approximately 10-months. I knew E would set the cadence for the year but realizing the far reaches of loss comes in waves. Speaking of...
I'm going through a "thing" right now. I have slowly been phasing haircuts to create a mohawk. When I look in the mirror, I am not necessarily thrilled with what I see. - even my eyes have been trained to read my own "beauty currency". Yet, this seems to also be what I want - what I need.
I listened to a Malcolm Gladwell & Adam Grant discussion on "Acknowledging Your Mistakes" a few weeks ago that mentioned a "punk" style or presentation (aggressive counter-culture) as typically being associated with people who are shy, rather than more bold. By dressing in the extreme, the question of "how" you are perceived is removed; you "know" you are seen as extreme. The variability and anxiety of the evaluation is removed. Above and beyond wanting my exterior to represent my identity, I want it to be apparent that I'm not a nice and traditional woman. I want to remove the question of "if" I fit in and 'if" I am being accepted, taking the uncertainty off the table. I want my hair to give a subtle and intentional middle finger to societal norms.
And, in writing those words, in being forceful and direct, I feel more like myself than I have in months. Thank, dog!
Last week I found a ted talk that I listened to on repeat. The pace of presentation is a lil slow, but hang in there for the content.
"...it's the realization that life is based more on what others expect and want from them, rather than what is true for them; it's awakening to the reality that always being good, perfect, and productive, serves no one."
[whew]
This ted talk was like watching a little bomb being dropped. I felt the resonance deep within me as Robyn named my ache-type: "Rebel" (enneagram Type 8 and fiery Leo to the core).
For the past year, I have secretly acknowledged that I 'care' about (slow) fashion (story - image) and careful presentation of self. It feels like any woman primping and plucking to the fast moving trends and restrictive diet-culture can have a space to share their secrets for face contouring with powders and dyes.... but those outside the norm of trends will not be celebrated. Today I am giving voice to the tools and practices that have found me in the past year that have changed the way this rebel curates a presentation of self - they're at the bottom of the page.
Beyond that, my next hair cut with the amazing Calla Dawn (who has gently tried to keep me from jumping off the deep end too quickly w/my shaven head) is in February. Here's to the the wild ride of finally, blatantly, NOT "fitting in". I'm sure I'll walk it back eventually but I've always needed to explore edge cases before finding balance.
Considering that the average American woman's lifespan is -80-years, I'm over half way through the show. Here's to giving myself permission to simply be who I am, while I still can. Because...
"If not now, then when?"
The anti-beauty-currency list
You probably didn't see this one coming. Last winter I used this laser hair remover once a week for 4 months, which resulted in ~95% hair removal from my legs, arm pits, and bikini line. I have always admired women with leg hair so thin and wispy that foregoing shaving was barely noticeable. Heck, I have a friend that I admired for her golden leg hair that appeared to shimmer as she walked the PCT back in 2015. Using this tool finally allowed me to stop shaving, because the hair left seemed so inconsequential that it's not worth bothering with. Taking precious time back (no longer losing it to grooming) to be actively lived is invaluable.
Foreo Luna vibrating silicone face brush
This brush makes a lot of claims to help remove wrinkles, firm skin, reduce blemishes... Although my skin tone and clarity has improved since adding this brush to my lineup, I question if that is because of the lotion/serums listed below. I'm still listing this brush as one of my treasured items because it simply feels 'good' to massage cleanser onto my skin with this soothing tool.
Ursa Major's Alpine Rich Cream, Retinal Serum, Vitamin C Serum & Mineral Polish
Although I've used UM's Golden Hour Cream for years, I noticed my face slowly become more dull, dry, and weathered as I spent more and more hours out running in the wilderness this summer. In September I began using UM's mineral polish once a week and their Alpine Rich Cream / Retinal Serum, daily. I noticed an immediate difference in skin tone, vibrancy, and elasticity. Long story short, my face was starting to look leathery and these products revived my skin. I've used UM's vitamin c serum to even skin tone as needed for the last several years and this is still in the mix for me as well.
R + Co's Badlands Dry Shampoo Paste + a hair oil
After I had my first undercut, I started experimenting with products that assured the longer hair I had left (my mohawk-in-training) looked intentionally kept. R + Co's dry shampoo paste is my absolute favorite new product to my lineup. I scrunch a small amount of this product on my roots, where I want volume and boom - voluminous texture. I typically add a drop of hair oil after to keep my hair looking lustrous.
I'm a big fan of the scrunch it and forget it styling method. I find that using R + Co's thickening treatment creates a full / smooth look for air drying and that Verb's curl defining mask allows my hair to more naturally piece into a beach wave while air drying. I use one or the other, not both, once a week in place of conditioner.
Athletic Greens & Proferrin ES Iron supplement
I know, I know, you've heard AG1 pushed 1000-times already... but hear me out. I eat a shiet ton of leafy greens, beets, and other natural, vegan sources of iron. That said, when my stress levels are too high, my body blocks iron absorption, reducing my ferritin stores to single-digit lows (this is called stress-induced iron dysregulation as the levels of iron in my blood are extremely healthy (even borderline high at times)). The only way to combat this is to:
reduce stress (doin' my best here but life is hard)
increase iron intake (unfortunately, flooding my system w/iron leads to fatigue)
increase the potential for iron absorption (this is the preferred option)
Athletic Greens, which has 420mg of vitamin C per serving, has proven to be a surefire way for me to increase my iron absorption with my typically iron-rich diet. I do take an iron supplement in addition to eating iron-rich foods. Proferrin ES works well for my body, but iron is a supplement that affects everyone differently.